Unusual Suspects/Transcript
(Bob and Enid are in the livingroom.) Enid: Look Bob, I want what's best for Colleen, but this is not the path to take, I don't want to go to bed with no Tipper Gore- Bob: I know I know, but trust me. There's no telling how impressionable Colleen is, so call this an experiment of sorts. I had her play this a few hours ago and I want to see the results, er, where is she by the way? Enid: Last I saw she ran out the door. Bob: Anyone outside? Enid: Oh... (both run to a window and see Colleen punching the street.) Colleen: Die street! Die you stupid street! Enid: Say Bob, what game did you give her? Bob: Street Beater. Enid: And where'd you get it from? Bob: I don't waste money on stuff I don't feel I need. Ever. Enid: Well, I guess you were right about how impressionable Colleen is. (Bob keeps watching Colleen.) Bob: She really took the fun out of this. (intro) (narration zone.) Judy: Television is like flowers. A desperate attempt at appealing to the brainless masses. While most of us have obsessions that keep us from wasting away in front of the screen, others aren't so lucky. My sister told me about some crazy little snot and gave me some closure on how I wound up in some stinky room and nearly drowned in sewer water. Julie was heading to school. (it goes to Julie. Julie and her friends are walking to school.) Julie: Nothing like a nice walk to school, the wind in your hair, the cicada's chirping, the goosebumps from the breeze. Mack: I'd like my breeze at room temperature thank you very much. Julie: What's up with you? I'd rather walk a few miles then spend the next few minutes by a box. Dante: Tell me about it, I don't get the appeal, it's kinda a big waste of time. (the screen goes black) Dante: Then again, there're still some shows worth watching. (the screen goes back to the gang.) Julie: Anyway, the only reason we're doing this is because I couldn't get us a ride. Committee thing. Mack: Guess we know their choice in a life or death situation. Julie: Shut up, last time my mom didn't show she remembered that we take turns doing the chores. If she's happy, I'm sure I'll be happy. (Megan is looking at a butterfly.) Angela: What's so special about a line with wings? Megan: Lotta things. (the butterfly flutters away and Megan chases after it, the others following suit.) (we see a boy playing alone in an alley, donning a broom.) Glan: You want cornflakes? I will destroy you Sadim! *fake sword noises* I will fight you for the world, the safety of the kids and one day, there will be... be... uh.... (Glan sees Julie and her friends watching from behind.) Glan: When did you get here? Megan: We came in at cornflakes. Mack: Looked like a heck of a performance. Glan: Fly a kite. Julie: Don't feel bad. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm in the WWF. It's Hulkamania brother! Glan: Wrestling, puh, the Super Crime Fighters make a difference, unlike you criminals. Clifford: Hey, that's a serious accusation. But if we're such criminals- Dante: Stop. Let's just go to school, don't want to give this twig any satisfaction. Angela: Yeah, er, what's Super Crime Fighters? (it goes to the classroom.) Alison: Super Crime Fighters? How do I put this... Sam: It's the worst show in the history of... well... ever. Randall: Sorta reminds me of Ben and Chimpy, like it doesn't know what year it's supposed to be. Becky: All the smart women are best caught in the kitchen. Fiona: And we had someone turn evil for no good reason. Ruth: I think they spent all of their resources toward the details on their muscles, no wonder they couldn't afford in-betweeners. Brianna: So basically we have a woman from Mainland China who sounds like a generic American? Taylor: THE SUPER CRIME FIGHTERS SUCKS! Jupiter: That reminds me. (Jupiter stands up and raises her fist to the air.) Jupiter: BASSOON! Selma: What's that? Jupiter: Something from the show. It's funny though, in the right places. Taylor: My pencil broke. BASSOON! Ellen: I got gum in my hair. BASSOON! (it goes to Ms. Chapley in her car.) Ms. Chapley: My battery died. BASSOON! (back to the kids.) Glan: What're you all talking about? Julie: It's best you don't know. Victor: *cough* Stupid Crime Fighters. Yeah I said it. Glan: Of course you idiots don't appreciate a great show. Ashley: Dude the show's lame. Georgina: Unbelievably preposterously, terribly trebly- All: We got it! Glan: You all ought to face the wrath of- Sam: Oh wait we know what's coming. All: BASSOON! Glan: You're all pathetic, and you, you and your crew, you just sit around and cause trouble when the Super Crime Fighters give their lives for humanity. Mack: Yeah, let's all get killed for a land we may never see again. Glan: I hope you all get detention! Julie: Glan, please calm down. I know this is going to hurt, but you're not helping yourself by being- Taylor: A total geek loser? Francis: An idiot? Brianna: A democrat? Julie: NO! Look, sometimes you just have to take the high road, never give anyone any ammunition. Oh, and by the way, we haven't done anything wrong, at least the last time I checked. (the intercom activates.) Cosmo: Good morning class, I'd like to see the following students immediately. Julie Mahoney, Mackenzie MacPherran, Victor Fulton, Clifford Rosenthal, Selma Slaatsky, Monique Broderick, Dante Ahrens, Megan Chavarri, Angela Asbrew and Thaddeus Winthrop. (the students look around.) Cosmo: Also known as Corky. Julie: You've got to be kidding. (Cosmo emerges from the speaker.) Cosmo: I AM SO NOT KIDDING! (Julie and her friends go to the principal's office.) Glan: Just as I thought, the lowest of the low sent off, you may hold your apologies. Ms. Chapley: You may sit down before I sent you along. Glan: Fine. (to Judy) Judy: But fine is not going to be the word of the hour. Fine is like a butt amplified through blue jeans, fine is like that nasty fruit punch my mother drinks during her anniversary. Ashley: Hey, what's this about butts, wine and spousal alienation? Judy: It got your attention, didn't it? (it goes to the office.) Victor: I've seen this before, we get sent to the office and we don't get a reason why we got in trouble, then we see the others are actually robots and we're ran through a meat grinder! Angela: Then we wake up and find it was all just a big misunderstanding, and we get an A. Cosmo: Ahem. Angela: You wanted to see us Principal Kadic? Cosmo: Have you seen my chair? Angela: No? (Cosmo stands up and we see it's glued to the back of him.) Cosmo: I sure have. Also, have you smelled the room? (the kids smell and gag.) Dante: Aw man who cut it!? Cosmo: A bomb in the ventilation shaft. Have you seen the halls lately? Mack: Come to think of it, I did see a rat, you may need to get an exterminator. Cosmo: I figured that out since yesterday. (a mover pulls a carpet out from the kids, knocking them over. Some more men come in and take Cosmo's desk.) Cosmo: And someone bet all of my stuff and lost it. Julie: Don't tell me you think we're behind all of this. Cosmo: I got a hot tip, the security system's on the fritz and you were all supposedly the last few kids to leave the premises. Victor: You gave us detention! What we're bad for staying the full period? Cosmo: No one has the motivation, nor the gall, like all of you. The verdict is set, hands are tied, the whole shebang. Julie: What're you going to do? Cosmo: You're all expelled. Julie: What!? I mean I get a suspension but... Y-you can't do this! Cosmo: It's already done. These infractions would be enough, but you've been dozing off in class, talking back to teachers, tagging the school walls, letting back in past offenders- Julie: What? Cosmo: Patterson, the guy who lit that bottle rocket, the one you fought to get reinstated, that must've been your bright idea it sure as hell wasn't at my jurisdiction- Julie: We didn't do those pranks! Cosmo: Just get out of here, all of you, and if I so much as catch you within five feet of the premises- Clifford: You'll what? Cosmo: I'll... think of something. (to the committee, Bob is screening an episode of Super Crime Fighters.) Bob: And there you have it. Burt: What do we have exactly? Bob: A threat to the wellbeing of kids everywhere, this is abhorrent and needs to be dealt with. Burt: I see, you want to combat the negative effects cartoons could have on kids. Bob: What? No, I want this particular show off the air. Burt: Why? It isn't as harmless as many shows. Bob: You kidding? The animation is over-stylized and the plots are simple as hell. Kids would believe this is the norm, it'd cut down on their hopes of entering the industry if they think they need to apply such detail to the design and so little to telling an engaging story. Burt: So basically, you want us to rally against a single cartoon. Bob: That's right. Think of the implication. Jade: Oh he's got a point, who knows what messages that show would gear out. We'd be in the midst of a mob if it keeps going. Bob: Don't joke around. Jade: What? I'm being serious. (more adults come Bob's way.) Harold: I suppose it'd be good for the kids. Hanneke: We made it this far without subjecting kids to shows like these, why stop now? Bob: What about you Enid? Enid: Last time you went your own way I lost my 401K. Besides, it's either this or waiting until noon to catch Touched by an Angel. Burt: Alright, you all can have it your way. For those who'll remain, I've planned a trip to a health resort- (as Bob's party leaves, other adults begin to panic.) Andy: WAIT FOR US! (Andy and others run out.) Burt: Okay Monte, what do you want to do? Monte: I have plans, which may or may not involve some crusade. (Monte leaves.) Burt: So that's it then? Ol' Burtie's kicking it solo for the day!? Fine, I don't need them, what's complaining about a cartoon going to do anyways? How impressionable is it anyways!? Well, might as well test the waters. (it goes to the lunchroom. We focus on the Weirdos for now.) Alison: What is that smell? Colleen: Don't look at me, I didn't cut it. Sam: Maybe that's why Julie got in trouble? Jupiter: Nah, not their style. They only do things like these if they're driven to it, and last I checked they were mostly cool with Principal Kadic. Sam: True, but, I don't know anyone else who would've done it, kinda like one of those twist things. Whatever the case, this was quite a hill to die on. Jenny: A better hill to go on is dealing with these chicken nuggets. How could any nugget smell like feet? Jupiter: They reek, but they do give my legs a weird tickling feeling, okay it's getting a bit higher. Say... what else was Julie tied to? Jenny: The fart smell, something involving glue and a bet, oh! We also have rats. Jupiter: Figured. GET IT OUT OF ME! (Jupiter falls onto the floor and convulses. Glan jumps up and stomps on her legs just as the rat gets out. Jupiter: OWWWWW!!! What was that for!? Glan: That was a sonic bird stomp. Jerry: Let me guess, Super Crime Fighters thing right? Glan: Don't knock it! Each of these moves were conceived by a martial arts expert! Francis: Like who? Bruce Lee? Ruth: Dolph Lundgren? Matthias Hues? Glan: We may never know. Ashley: Some white dude who doesn't credit his sources? Glan: Shut up, I'd like to see you pull some sweet moves. Ashley: Okay, monkey... foot sweep! (Ashley knocks Glan to the ground.) Fiona: Timber wolf... toss into garbage can! (the girls throw Glan into a garbage can, lifting it up and carrying it to an open window.) Ashley/Fiona: Get rid of garbage... Cockatoo! (the girls throw Glan out the window.) Fiona: What's with the animals? Ashley: Don't ask me. (it goes to Bob and the others at a print shop) Bob: I'm proud of you Burt. Burt: Enjoy it while it lasts, I want to maintain my priorities. Bob: Whatever you say. Hey, printer dude, I'd like one hundred copies please. Owner: Of what? You are aware that we need a base copy to make any number of copies, right? Hen: I told ya. It would've taken like a few seconds with the right ideas but no, the printer guys'll figure it out. Owner: We have a computer in the back, but make it count, you get payed by the minute. Enid: A dollar by the minute? Owner: A dollar with two zeroes. Enid: So... a dollar? Owner: The zeroes are to the left of the decimal. (the adults rush over to the computer.) Bob: Okay, quick, who knows their way around print advertisements? Muriel: Leave it to me, I've got my special typing gloves on. (Muriel puts her gloves on and sits in front of the computer.) Amber: Jot this down. Hello friends, tired of stupidity? Are you losing out to a cartoon that tries to challenge your authority? Is said cartoon reliant on a style that can lead to broken wrists and a blurrier line between domestic and overseas animation? Then get off your cloud and help us take down the Super Crime Fighters. To clarify, we're fine with other cartoons, our biggest threat is, once more, the Super Crime Fighters. Jade: What if they assume? Lynn: Why not underline the show? Andy: Underline, bold, italicize, parenthesize, bracket, square bracket, does this have a pen tool? Chris: Let's not ask for miracles. Muriel: Okay, here we go. Bob: hrewrgreaegjtretesfretggregre, sertgrdsgrewgaergtresdfghrergdsffes, sertdtf cwefefds ftreghsdgs underscore? Hanneke: Typing gloves, what even? (it goes to Julie and her friends playing basketball.) Selma: My mom's gonna kill me, my dad will probably give me some ridiculous punishment, my folks are realistic, and that's what scares me the most. Mack: I'm already on two strikes, this is the straw. Megan: Military school, right? Mack: No, some remedial school in New York. Megan: Ouch. Angela: My uncle'll be out for a few weeks, so I got time to dangle. Mack: Didn't he come back early? I saw him at the diner last night. Angela: My uncle will either kill me or cry, not sure where his mind's at now. Dante: My folks won't believe me. I got pinned for a tag job I actually did, no more trust. Victor: I say we leave. We head out for Quebec, we don't go back, we never bring any of this up to anyone and we squat at any abandoned place we could find. Julie: That's the spirit. Victor: Oh shut up little miss kind but cool. Julie: Tell you what, we'll go your way. (she hands Victor a basketball.) Julie: If you sink this next basket. (Victor throws the ball.) Monique: Come on come on in the hole! Megan: Go in. Nothing but net. Victor: Oooooooh, go in go in I want to sleep in tonight! (the ball misses the hoop.) Victor: Okay we'll do it your way. Julie: Good, now... Where's Megan? Angela: Distracted. Megan: Hey, you try looking away from a falling trash can. (the others look and see what Megan's talking about. It goes to the adults walking in its path.) Enid: You had to leave your wallet behind! Bob: How was I supposed to know that he only takes checks or credit!? Who does that!? Rosey: Who only takes Discover? Hanneke: This had better be worth eight hundred bucks. I only use that card for emergencies and that was all it had. Harold: We have about twenty posters. I doubt that'll get the message across. Majel: Let's stick to more populated areas. We already make up most of the neighborhood anyways so that leaves us out. Hen: Okay, but can we avoid the cities? Those urban types give me the hives. (two grown ups are passing by) Lu: What's going on here? Burt: It's a war against a cartoon show, best you don't get involved. Marcy: What a coinkydink, we just got out of the print shop now. Thank goodness I had Discover. Burt: Dare I guess, Super Crime Fighters right? Marcy: Yuppers, our daughter got beat up by some sleaze ball who wanted to dress up like this blonde bombshell. Lu: We're acting on behalf of the Jewish community. Bob: Just what we need, a religious slant. Marcy: Haven't we seen you at our synagouge? Bob: Point taken. (two more people come.) Morris: Hold it, I've detected no Canadian citizens in this group. Enid: Hey we're registered. Morris: Transplants don't count. Monte: Are you going to sue us? Morris: No, we want to join you for the sake of representation, also broadcast laws but how well do they uphold? Hanneke: Ontario right? Morris: I'm from Saskatoon. Joy: Winnepeg. Bob: Good enough. Ned: Fascinating. Bob: What're you- (the garbage can crashes into them. The posters land in a puddle.) Martha: Maybe we should just make a web page like everyone else. Bob: Maybe we should spend every waking hour on the phone right after. Hen: Oh shut up you luddite! (the kids see the adults) Selma: Oh man, it's our folks! If they see us- Victor: Less exposure, more action! Angela: Where? Victor: Uh... duh? (the kids hide in a row of bushes) Enid: I feel a sudden urge to go after a certain trash can. Come on! (the adults get up and go after the trash can. The can crashes into a wall and breaks, with Glan coming out of it and seeing the adults.) Glan: Back off. Martha: Oh, so we nearly get killed and suddenly we're at fault? Chelsea: What the heck were you doing? Glan: I was thrown in a trash can by a bunch of uneducated jerks. Andy: Uh-huh, what led to that? Glan: I was displaying the flawless action in one of the greatest shows of all time. Dakota: What show? Glan: Super Crime Fighters. (the adults look at each other and grin.) Dakota: Okay kid, tell us all what happened, in detail, and by that I mean anything involving that show. Glan: Well to start off I was readying for a fight with the evil Sadim who had tried to make a kid eat corn flakes. (Harold's writing on a notepad.) Harold: Uh-huh, imitation, insanity, possibly doing both in public. Go on. Glan: Then they were making fun of how it looked, they have no respect for Eastern animation and they said the writing was generic. I heard they even didn't like how Soon Yi didn't sound Chinese enough. Harold: Doesn't care about technical aspects or good writing, think I can incorporate racism and whitewashing. Glan: I had tried doing the sonic bird stomp to save someone and they accused me of hurting her. Harold: Violence, underlined, circled, parenthesized, bracketed, square bracketed. Glan: If it kept going they would probably accuse Janet of being a bad role model for telling people to go to the roof where the Super Crime Fighters would save them. Harold: Applying measures that would prove to be fatal in real life. No good role models. Glan: What're you doing? Veronica: Well if you must know we- (Chelsea slaps her in the back of the head.) Chelsea: You idiot, don't tell him about the campaign. Glan: What campaign? Autumn: The campaign? Oh, right, George W. Bush is coming to Alberta to try and get more voters come the next election. We were the first to know and we wanted to avoid potential riots from Gore supporters. Bob: That was close, don't want anything about the anti Super Crime Fighters campaign to slip. Wait... CRAP! I BLEW IT! Glan: Wait, you want to destroy the Super Crime Fighters!? Amelia: This kid could deduce what ten lawyers couldn't. But yes. Glan: Why? It's a good show. Mike: HA! Good? I wouldn't even show it to my nearsighted grandmother's corpse. Trish: Perspective aside, you'd be better off without television dearie, trust me. (the screen goes black.) Trish: But this is still worth a darn. (the screen returns) Glan: You're just like the bullies. Bob: I've gone through prosecution like you couldn't even imagine, don't call me a bully kid. Glan: I get it, you're one of those conservative type people, like that woman who tried to destroy rock and roll. Jade: Sweetie, Tipper Gore is a Democrat, has been since she got into politics, and come to think of it she just wanted to dictate what people can and can't listen to. Enid: Yeah, and we don't care about fighting against violent content, we care about going after a horribly executed concept that spits in the face of various animators who break their wrists trying to keep up with deadlines, and I don't want no wrists broken for some chiseled abs on a weekly basis. No pre-pro. Glan: You're not being fair. Martha: Fair? Kid, life isn't fair. Why do you think so many people are opposed to capitalism? Amelia: Come to me when you find a financial system that works. Lu: Forget the systems, can we talk about the stereotypes now? Glan: What stereotypes? Hanneke: Where to begin? Men are macho and either wear tank tops or suits, plus they're total meatheads and sound like they're making fun of existing characters. Marcy: On the other extreme, women are either stupid or bland beyond comprehension, and like the abs, we can't go a single moment without seeing their butts, I know we're not one to talk but at least we just say and don't show. Harold: And as you implied, they couldn't even be bothered to get a Chinese-American to voice a Chinese character. Andy: Everyone sounds mostly the same in terms of how they speak. They can't even do cheesy dialogue justice, and I consider cheesy dialogue a plus. Glan: If you defend evil people, you all must be evil yourselves. Amber: Ah yes, like that girl who got punished and injured because she didn't feel like pushing overtime. Muriel: Or that kid who got punished because he didn't laugh off a mean joke. Marcy: Didn't they kill a kid for bullying another? Hen: Let's just leave it at that, I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. Bob: Basically the show stinks, and it does nothing for the viewer. Glan: I bet you never actually watched the show. Bob: You'd be wrong, and just so everyone's up to speed, I think it's time for a break. Need to go to the pharmacy anyways. Ned, do the honors. Ned: This calls for a Nedrush. (Nedrush. Scenes correspond to the actions.) Ned: On Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Super Crime Fighters released an episode dedicated to the man of the hour. It began with a retelling of King's life and the message he conveyed, while mixing it with the show's message of fighting like idiots. Rosey: Sounds awful. Ned: You know how this goes. Anyway, our lead, why we always need a kid to headline these things, Henry Kaspanoff, is bullied by an African American bully, and this is your typical 90s rap listening ebonic spouting gangsta jerk. Somehow he is mutated by Sadim or whoever and the military or whatever has to stop him and a racist man who wants to destroy all black people. Enid: Oh sure, immediately make him southern, I mean not every county in Arkansas voted for George Wallace but okay. Lynn: Real immature. Hen: Saw it coming a mile away. Bob: I won't say much because I don't know what part Missouri is classified in. Ned: Anyway, boring combat and stale dialog later, the bully returns to normal, and they just shrink the frame, gotta cut corners any way possible I guess. Henry apologizes. Hen: WHAT!? WHAT DID HE DO!? Ned: Be white I guess. Anyways, the bully is rewarded because that's how it goes for minorites, Henry's punished for, I dunno, missing curfew or whatever, he makes a joke, or tries to I don't care, he cries for some reason, Martin Luther King appears in the clouds and I'll be having nightmares for weeks, I question what I love due to seeing so many bare abs, the end. (end of Nedrush.) Glan: So you watched it, yet you can't even appreciate it. Lu: Sometimes even we don't know why we hate certain shows, I mean I hate The Lion King but- Kerry: Wait what, you hate The Lion King? Lu: Yeah, so? Enid: Oh my gosh you're an idiot, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I respect your opinion, but oh my gosh you're an idiot. Bob: But we do have a good reason to hate Super Crime Fighters. Glan: You won't stand a chance. Bob: We may not do well with congress, but we're bound to get far with network television. With over twenty people at my side we're bound to make a bigger impact than some housewives from Washington D.C.. Hope you have home recordings kid. Burt: I'd say that puts us at around twenty six. Bob: That's right. Burt: A rather high number for a character driven concept. Bob: Well it's more about the group than a single person, and we all have similar perspectives to how we want our kids to be raised. Not to mention, it'd be silly to have just a handful of people tackle something like television, there's promise in numbers. Burt: Uh-huh, and you wouldn't notice if one just, slipped away right? Bob: I guess it'll be more convenient that way. Do I sense a betrayal? Burt: Nope, but I wish you luck in your idiotic campaign, I'm not going to sully my record over a cartoon. Glan: Thank goodness for you sir. Burt: That's not an endorsement kid! Glan: To heck with all of this. I'm going home. Monte: It's two thirty already? Bob: Phew, it's ten after. Come on folks, little Rando here- Glan: Glan. Bob: Glen. Glan: The name's Glan. Glan Dular. Bob: Glan? Poor soul. Anyway, Glan, tell your mother we're hiring. (it goes to Julie and her friends peering out the bush and seeing the adults walk by.) Mack: I'm starting to think Victor had the right idea. Julie: Come on, we need to get to school. Dante: You nuts? Julie: We just need to buy some time. The dismissal line is at least five feet away from the school, all we have to do is hop into it and our folks would be none the wiser, then we'll try to keep our folks away from the phone and also try to keep the expulsion under wraps. Victor: Can I just take the bus home? It's too far a walk- Julie: Walk with us you toad! Victor: Aw man. (it goes to the school. Cosmo is walking outside.) Cosmo: Ah, thank you god. I live to see another day. But, just to be safe. (Cosmo jumps to the side as the kids run out of the school.) (Julie and her friends are peering from a bush.) Julie: All we have to do is get Principal Kadic to look away long enough for us to get in line. Selma: We have a technicality right? Julie: I also have no knowledge of math beyond long division. Megan: Me either, but I do have good motor skills. (Megan throws a rock and it lands near Cosmo) Cosmo: Is that quartz? I could use this. (Cosmo picks up the rock and the kids go right to the line.) Judy: Time is our greatest ally, and our greatest foe. Julie is either rubbing cheeks with it or kicking them- Ellen: What's with the narration? Judy: I needed an edge. Ellen: You trained Julie, you're strong, I think that should be enough. Judy: Don't judge me. Julie: Hey. Ellen: What, wait- Julie: I know I know, but I don't want mom to know about it. Ellen: It's best to get it out of the way. Judy: How cheesy. Ellen: Like your breath. Judy: Hey... shut up. Julie: Please girls, I don't want mom to know. Judy: Well I guess it'd be harder for us to talk if our mouths are full. Julie: ...Que? Ellen: We get your dessert for a week, and we'll keep shut about the expulsion. Julie: Thanks! (Julie gives Judy and Ellen a hug.) Dakota: What's going on here? Julie: Oh hey mom, how was your day today? Dakota: Fine, got into an argument with some boy, and it seems like I'm interrupting something. Julie: What? Oh, this is just a setup. (Julie gives Ellen a noogie and belches in Judy's face.) Dakota: That's more like it! (Dakota shoves her armpit into Julie's face.) (It goes to Selma.) Selma: I don't want mom and dad to know. If you don't tell them, I'll give you my desert for a week. Jupiter: Take my veggies and we've got a deal. Selma: Veggies? Jupiter: They keep getting stuck in my braces. You'd be doing me a favor by taking my veggies. Selma: Okay, deal. Not in the mood to argue. Hanneke: There you are. Selma: Hey mom! (Selma jumps on Hanneke and hugs her.) Hanneke: Oh my hips my hips! (it goes to Mack.) Mack: Hey mom no time to waste let's get on back. Muriel: But I need to pee- (it then goes to Angela.) Kerry: How was school Angela? Angela: Got into an argument with the lunch lady, nearly got detention over an essay. Kerry: So nothing eventful happened? Angela: No. Can we go home now? Kerry: Yeah, I need to lie down anyways. (it goes to Julie as they pull home.) Dakota: I still need to pick up Adelaide, Mabel and Artemis. Julie: Where does that leave Judy and Ellen? Dakota: I need at least one girl to wait in the car and Judy's picky over what food she wants. Can you hold the fort down until I get back? Julie: Can do. (Dakota leaves. Julie goes to the livingroom.) Julie: Okay, did the hoist, now to stick the landing. Principal Kadic's bound to call, but if the expulsion happened during the morning, and since all business is kept within school hours... (the phone rings. Julie slowly goes to answer it.) Julie: Mahoney residence. Cosmo: Julie? Julie: Hi Principal Kadic. Cosmo: Can you put your mother on the line? Julie: She's out. Can I take a message? Cosmo: This is just about the expulsion. Julie: Oh, no problem, I'll tell her the next time I see her. Cosmo: Good, oh, by the way, I left a message with you, but your mother didn't answer. Julie: Still about the expulsion? Cosmo: I wanted to let her know that she had to give you a ride back. Julie: I walked home with my friends. I like walking. Cosmo: Okay. Take it easy. (Julie hangs up.) Julie: One more thing to do. (Julie checks the answering machine.) Machine: You have, two, new messages. Message one. Cosmo: Hey Dakota, ordinarily I wouldn't call you, but your daughter got into trouble. Had to expel her sorry behind so if possible, I need you to come pick her up. No telling what goes on in this neighborhood. Machine: Message two. Cosmo: Hey sorry to call twice, forgot you had six daughters, then I thought wait, how could three of yours be in the same class? But then I realized that you actually had five daughters, just one of your nieces living with you and the other got held back, and I realized that wasn't Julie. Anyway, Julie got expelled, I think that nice punk thing was a facade, punish her your way, I don't know how they did it in Wisconsin and I don't care. Come pick up Julie, bye. (Julie takes out the tape.) Dakota: Julie, did anyone call while I was out? Julie: No, just a telemarketer. By the way, I think something's wrong with the tape in the answering machine. (Julie snaps it.) Dakota: Well get rid of it. I need you to take the trash out anyways. Julie: No problem. (Julie throws the tape in the trash. It cuts to her taking bags of trash out to the curb.) Julie: No way would my mom believe that she didn't get any messages at all. (Julie throws the bags down. Residue gets on her hands.) Julie: EW! (Julie wipes her hands on her jeans.) Julie: If I don't work out this expulsion crap maybe I'll become the world's first garbage woman. Or heck, I made it this far without mom knowing about what happened. The government should be up my alley. I just hope my friends- Dakota: Julie! What're you doing out there, you're food's getting cold! Julie: Coming mom! (Julie goes back inside.) (it goes to Glan's house. Glan is watching Super Crime Fighters.) TV actor: The fires are growing! To ze stairs! TV actor 2: No! Stairwells are dangerous in a fire, the area is too hot to get through. TV actor: But that's regular fire protocol. TV actor 2: Everyone to the roof. TV actor: We're already on the roof. TV actor 2: Don't question me! (Glan's sister comes in.) Moe: Mom says it's time for dinner! Glan: I've been wating for this episode all week! Moe: This is the same episode from last week! Glan: I would never miss an episode of Super Crime Fighters! Moe: Well I'm telling mom! Then I'll tell my good friend Mabel. Glan: I can't believe you'd even dare mingle with a Mahoney! Moe: Mom doesn't hang with Mabel's mom, but I like hanging with Mabel if it means I get to mess with your head. (Moe leaves.) Glan: Stupid Moe, think she knows better because she doesn't watch Super Crime Fighters. Siding with a part of a family of snakes. That day, oh that day. (a flashback occurs to a month ago. Julie is at her locker and Glan comes up to her.) Glan: Hello fair maiden. Julie: What's up? You new around here? Glan: I come from afar. I've seen you from afar and I hope to take you as my maiden where we shall live in a land afar. Julie: Well... I'm from a far away land called... Wis-CAAAN-Sin. I guess I can show you around, but then again, things around here tend to go without saying. Dante: Hey Jules, I hate to call people names, but who's this dork? Julie: Yeah, what's your name? Glan: Glan Dular. Dante: Well Glan Dular, I suggest you tone down the dorky stuff, otherwise your glands won't be the only things having a problem. Where're you from? Glan: I'd like to know where you're from. Dante: I'm from Oregon. Glan: Florida. Dante: Florida? From? You go to Florida, you don't come from Florida. Glan: I suppose you think I'm terrible for being who I am. Dante: I'm just saying that Florida is so overpopulated with geezers and, I'll go as far as that, that it can't even be considered a Southern state, as for the dork getup, it's kinda offensive. Dorks get enough of a bad rep as is, so I hope you have a plan to stand out in a positive way. Glan: Positive? To live positive is for this maiden to be my maiden. Julie: First, the name's Julie, second, how can I say I'm not interested, I'm creeped out and I will never be your boyfriend without sounding like a total jerk? Glan: GOODBYE! (Glan runs off.) Glan: I never forgave you for denying my petty demand, but then Super Crime Fighters came along and it all became clear. You denied me because you're an evil punk, the sharp hair, the ripped clothes it's all so obvious. Clearly you're under some kind of mind control because now you're bound to wind up in juvy or prison. Moe: MOM! Glan's moping about girls again! (Glan goes back to watching TV) TV actor 3: If you want to see your girlfriend again, you'll do as I say. TV actor 2: Umph, Coby now! Coby: You hurt my girl! TV actor 2: I love you for some reason now. Glan: This show gets me. If you're kind and do the right thing girls are bound to love you. TV actor: Oh no, Basson's punks are on the loose! Punk: I don't need commitment! Glan: NO! (Glan runs out of the room.) (at school the next day. Glan is scrawling on his desk. Ms. Chapley whacks the desk with a pointer.) Ms. Chapley: Doodle on your own time. Alright class, I'm handing back your essays. Some of you may be surprised, a majority of you, not so much. (Judy is given her paper. She scored a 78.) Judy: Oh I'm surprised. What about you Jupiter? Jupiter: I'm in the majority. (Glan gets his paper back.) Glan: A nine? Ms. Chapley: What's the matter? Glan: How is a report on the rise of Basson worth only a nine? Ms. Chapley: The assignment was on American History, as in a non fictional affair. Not to mention, it;'s loaded with grammatical errors, one page goes into the history and the rest is just general opinion. Glan: What am I going to tell my mom. Ms. Chapley: Tell her she needs to be more involved in your life. Georgina: Ha! You tell him. Ms. Chapley: You'll never get anywhere in life if you base it on television, and that's final. Taylor: What life? It's wasted now. (the kids laugh at Glan.) Glan: To heck with all of you. My show grows on you. Brianna: Dude, everyone hates the show. Even it's star. Glan: What? Georgina: The star in question is going to get interviewed at five o'clock tonight. Tune in to 96.3 and prove us all wrong. Glan: Okay I will! Ms. Chapley: After school. Glan: Yeah. I knew that. (it goes to Julie and her friends in Angela's treehouse.) Julie: How'd you guys make out? Mack: Tried to keep her occupied. Made it the night. Selma: I had to eat two helpings of veggies just to keep my sister's mouth shut, and I had to give my sister my dessert for a week. Dante: Any suspiscion? Selma: Surprisingly, my folks were so proud that I just ate my greens that they didn't even ask about what happened. So I'm gold. Angela: My uncle's been asleep since I got back. He was in bed in the morning so it's safe to assume that he thinks I'm at school. Mack: I don't know how long we could keep this lie up. Megan: Hey, we could go for a record. Julie: We'll be good for another day as long as we wipe our feet. (the others look at her confused.) Julie: It's an expression you dolts. Now, why do I have a feeling that I forgot something? (it goes to Dakota.) Dakota: The best thing about having kids is that they all need to go to school. I'll do some reps, er... right after Touched by an Angel. (Dakota flops onto the couch and hits her head.) Dakota: Hm? What's this? (Dakota picks up a book.) Dakota: Shucks, Julie forgot her math book again. (Dakota calls Cosmo) Cosmo: Talk to me. Dakota: Cosmo, silliest thing, my daughter Julie forgot her math book again. Cosmo: Uh... and how does that affect me? Dakota: I need to go bring it to her. Cosmo: Then do, I doubt she left her room. Dakota: What? Cosmo: Don't you know? Julie was expelled. Dakota: Expelled!? When did that happen!? Cosmo: You mean you don't know? Dakota: No, I don't. Cosmo: What- I left two messages for you. I even called again and Julie answered. She told me she would tell you what happened. Dakota: Gotta go. (Dakota hangs up.) Dakota: It's one thing to get expelled, it's another to not tell me, but nobody gets in the way of a relaxing Thursday morning! (Dakota runs outside.) Dakota: JULIE MAHONEY! (it goes to Julie. Julie hears Dakota.) Julie: Oh no she knows! Victor: See you on the other side. Mack: Relax, not like she knows you're here. (they hear knocking by the exit. They go to it and see Kerry is present.) Kerry: Here they are. (Dakota comes up.) Dakota: So, you didn't have the nerve to tell your own mother about expulsion? Kerry: By the way Angela, you're grounded. (the kids scream.) (the scene transitions to night. Glan is listening to the radio.) Radio: Dreams are made winding through her hair... Radio announcer: That was Spiders by System of a Down. Keeping the hype going for their next album coming out this year. Radio: WANT, rocking west of the Ontario border. Evan: It's Evan of the Yukon! Bringing you up to speed on stuff you don't need to know about. Tonight we have actor Donny Michaels, pay attention now, you may learn something. So welcome Donny. Donny: Thanks for bringing me on Evan. I could finally pay my car note. Evan: Ixnay on the ayment say. So, you're quite big over in the Vancouver talent pool. Donny: I was one of the earliest to sign up. Hoping to keep at it and bring some young ones under my wing. Glan: Me, let it be me. Even: So far your biggest project is Super Crime Fighters. Care to give us some insight or are you bound by confidentiality? Donny: Well, the other actors are real nice, shame that we have to contend with a lame director. Glan: Lame? Evan: Woah, t m i, but go on. Donny: It's not the most expensive show out there, I mean heck, a lot of its money was put toward making it look as Japanese as possible. Glan: What? Donny: And don't get me started on the writing. There's a rumor that the director got his scripts from an unreleased cartoon from the fifties. Evan: Get me a role on the show, I'd love to see for myself. Donny: To all my fans out there, don't support Super Crime Fighters. It's well beneath me. I'd like to give a shoutout to the committee against Super Crime Fighters. You're no PMRC in my book. (Glan storms to his room and destroys everything in it. Moe enters.) Moe: Keep it down! (Glan throws a doll at Moe and knocks her out. He runs out of the house.) (it goes to Julie in her bedroom. She's crying on her bed.) Julie: What did I do to deserve this? (Adelaide enters the room.) Adelaide: Hey Julie. Julie: You've... come to comfort me? Adelaide: Actually I just came to get my brush. (Adelaide picks up a brush. She hears the doorbell.) Adelaide: I got it! (Adelaide runs out. Julie goes to her window and climbs out of it.) Julie: She wouldn't listen to me over stuff like this, why try now- Whoops! (Julie slips and lands on a wheelbarrow full of manure.) Julie: Huh, knew there was something I had to do tonight. (Julie gets up and runs away. It cuts to the dining room, the other Mahoneys are getting ready for dinner.) Artemis: So what happened, did she beat the snot out of a kid or something? Judy: Something about rats, farts, glue and a bet that went bad. Doesn't seem like her style. Dakota: Well whatever the case she got in trouble and until there's something to prove otherwise she'll have to take her punishment as is. Ellen: Oh Aunt Dakota, you treat life like it's something out of a TV drama. You're not taking after my uncle are you? Dakota: WHAT!? Oh great, hope you like pepper. Mabel: Can I be excused? My friend hasn't returned my calls. Dakota: Sorry Mabel, but I don't want you anywhere near the Dulars, they give me the hives. Adelaide: Let's just eat, this weird kid gave me a new salt shaker so- (Adelaide picks up the salt shaker and gas comes out of it.) Artemis: Salt gas? Cool. Mabel: If I can't go over to Moe... can I go to sleep? Dakota: Let's all... (the Mahoneys collapse. A montage plays of most adults getting gassed and pulled out of the house.) (it goes to Martha and Harold.) Martha: Come on Bob, pick up you Spy Kids reject! Harold: What is it dear? Martha: Bob was supposed to host a confrence call, but he's not answering. Harold: You don't think we were iced out, do you? Martha: Why would we get kicked? We fit in better than other members in the committee. Harold: Maybe we're too realistic? Martha: We're Republicans from New England, how's that realistic? Harold: Look, do you care about Bob's little project or not? Martha: Any publicity is good publicity, and besides, it wasn't my idea so it'll be a wash. I'm going to keep trying to ring Bob, you can walk the dog. Harold: *sigh*, stupid walking the dog he'll just sniff everything and leave me out in the- Uh Martha, I forgot, when did we get a dog? Martha: It was in here when we got back. Harold: Didn't we agree on not getting a dog after a stray ruined the seats in our car? Martha: Well take it out then. (the knockout gas emerges from the dog.) Harold: Gladly, it's gassy like heck, and it smells... purple. (Martha comes in.) Martha: *cough* *cough* For goodness sake we need to get out of here! Harold: Now hold on, we're not going to fold over gas now, are we? Martha: Well... no. Harold: Good... night. (Harold and Martha pass out.) (at school the next day.) Jupiter: So anyways, when I bit into the apple, gas came out of it and we all passed out. I guess I was the last to wake up because when I came to, my folks and Selma were gone. Alison: That's weird. I don't know if there's a connection but my Aunt Amber's gone too. I was at the supermarket when it happened, my cousins didn't see a thing. Colleen: My folkd are gone too, but maybe they went to do something about their campaign, not like I'm in the loop or anything. Ashley: Come to think of it, has anyone seen Judy and Ellen? Alison: Why? Francis: They're connected to the Elites, gotta keep tabs on our members to avoid leaks, you know how it is. Alison: I gotcha, that's why I use electric ankle bracelets. (Alison activates one and shocks Jerry.) Alison: That'll teach you in the future. (Glan enters teh classroom, looking down.) Georgina: Well hey, it's the boy of the hour. Did you catch the show? (Glan ignores her.) Georgina: Hello? Earth to Glandoofus. (Glan pounces on and beats up Georgina.) Brianna: Hey! Glan's losing his mind even more! Ms. Chapley: BREAK IT UP! Glan, go right to the principal's office. Glan: Why is the jerk spared? Georgina: All I did is ask if you caught a radio show and call you a doofus. Now get lost. (to the principal's office.) Cosmo: This is surreal. First you give me a hot tip for a ten person expulsion, now I have to punish you too? Glan: Punish that evil girl too. Cosmo: Which one? We're all evil in our own special way. Glan: Yeah, but those who perished are the true evil ones. Who'd be willing to buy a McCarthy fart bomb? That red hat girl for sure. Cosmo: Wait, a McCarthy? Glan: Yeah? Cosmo: And you told me the one who laid it was Megan, the red hat girl for you? Glan: Of course, she's so stupid she'd laugh about farts. Cosmo: Megan's dislexic, a McCarthy fart bomb has a lot of written instructions to use it. Glan: Well they probably read it for her. Cosmo: Okay. Remind me of how they did the other pranks. Glan: Well that evil harpee Julie definately released them. Cosmo: Julie? Glan: Yes. Cosmo: It has occurred to me that Julie is hoplessly afraid of rats. The mere sight of them is too much for her. I doubt she would let any of her friends approve of that operation. Glan: Then the bet. Mack lost all your stuff. Cosmo: Mack's terrible at gambling. Runs in her family, I should know, I smoke her mother in poker every other Thursday. Glan: And the glue. Cosmo: Oh, I found this where my filing cabinet used to- hey wait a minute. We haven't had access to glue of any kind since the craft incident. Glan: It's not mine. Cosmo: Do you like to put your name on things? Glan: To make sure nobody steals what's rightfully mine. Cosmo: Well then I guess it's safe to say that this glue is rightfully yours! (Cosmo hands Glan the glue. It has his name on it.) Cosmo: And don't even think about trying to claim that they just stole it. This would've been confiscated the moment it was found. Glan: What are you going to do about this? Cosmo: Simple. I'm going to call your mother, I'm going to have you expelled and I'm going to spend the rest of the night trying to convince parents of ten that I made a mistake. Basically, you're in big trouble. Glan: You can't do that. Cosmo: Need I remind you that I'm the one with the- (Glan snatches the phone.) Cosmo: Hey! I make calls with that! (Glan beats Cosmo with the phone.) (it goes to Dakota, awakening in a messy room.) Dakota: Bearings back, nobody in sight, restraints. Heh, when will they learn, no rope can hold a three-time champion in the Midwestern Indie Wrestling Group! (Dakota pulls her arms out, breaking the rope tied to her wrists. She sits and rubs her arms.) Dakota: Phew, now I know why I quit. Okay, trapped but free, too big for the vents by the looks of it. I could really use a second hand. (Dakota hears muffled screams.) Dakota: Much obliged. (Dakota follows the noise and busts down a door in front of her. She sees Muriel tied up. She gives muffled cries as Dakota looks around and rips off the tape on Muriel's mouth.) Dakota: What're you warning me about? Muriel: I said my nose itches. Bob: Dakota? Is that you? Dakota: Any idea on how we all got here? Enid: We were having dinner and gas came out of our salt shaker. Dakota: What? Me too. Muriel: Same here. Hanneke: Ours came out of an apple. Martha: Well our's came out of a dog's butt. Chris: Let's just shut up and find a suspect, alright? Andy: It's Glan. Unless there's some fat lonly loser who also likes Super Crime Fighters. Mike: Hoping it is, any one of us could take down a scrawny geek. (the grown ups hear screaming in another room.) Chris: That can't be good. (it goes to Julie. She's returning to her house.) Julie: Nothing like a night at the arcade to make you feel mildly better. Huh? (Julie sees her siblings are asleep.) Julie: Hey, what's going on? Artemis: It's breakfast already? Judy: Julie? What's going on? Julie: You tell me, where's mom? Judy: I dunno. We were having dinner, we passed out, they must've took her. Mabel: I don't want to assume, but maybe it had something to do with that thing mom's doing. Julie: I need to make a call. (Julie calls Mack.) Julie: Mack, is your mother around? Mack: She'd normally be watching TV by now. Hang on, my sibs might be traumatized. (Mack goes to Mary, Bruce and Jennifer who're staring blankly at the wall.) Mack: Look guys, I know it's hard but you just need to accept that mom's gone. Mary: Mommy's gone? Bruce: I didn't even notice. Jennifer: Time flies when you observe the wear and tear on the walls. That crack is bound to take the whole house down in a matter of decades. Mack: What happened while I was gone? Jennifer: A salt shaker hurled out some purple gas, we passed out, we saw this crack on the wall after we came to and that's about it. Mack: Wait a second. (Mack approaches the wall and sees something by the crack.) Mack: This mark looks like it was made by someone chucking... the remote! (Mack picks up the remote.) Mack: Who was watching TV while I was gone? Mary: I was watching Chirper Barkerelli. Mack: Chirper Barkerelli? As far as I know only one person hates any kind of show with a semblance of self-awareness. Julie: You still there Mack? Mack: Glan did it. Round up the troops, and... well let's find out where he could've gone. Julie: Maybe we could go to his house. Mack: Let's... try and find out where he lives. Julie: Maybe we can go to the beginning. Mack: You think he took them to an alley? Julie: Wasn't that general area abandoned? Mack: Wait, you're onto something. I think he took them to that warehouse next to the free clinic. Julie: Worth a shot. (back to the warehouse.) Kerry: There's no way out. Dakota: There wasn't any exit points in the room I was in for the record. Hanneke: I don't even know how he got us in here. (they hear more screaming.) Hanneke: And I don't want to know what he's doing to that poor man. (it goes to Glan torturing Donny.) Glan: Take it back. Donny: Never! Glan: Take back those hurfull things you said about Super Crime Fighters and apologize. Donny: No, I have a right to an opinion, now stop breathing on me your breath smells like creamed corn!